funny quotes

My father's last words, "A truck."

That road death quote was from a funny guy called Emo, I believe. A funny little fucker, actually, sort of a deformed bad hair day in a court jester of olde kind of way.

I recall one of his skits about Christmas, "And we woke up on Christmas morning to see snow laying all about. We ran to the front door, pushed open the letterbox, and yelled, - Let us in mom."

I like the other road death quote from Ms Zsa Zsa Gabor.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car." ...

Those quotes have a certain symmetry.

For something completely out of whack, check out more Funny Quotes

Error 666, hard drive possessed.

Picture the scene:

To the tune of The Omen, you are working with iMovie, and put the finishing touches to your own video masterpiece. Your breathing shortens, the heart rate rises, the future is bright - and then the hard drive crashes on you without so much as a warning beep.

If that had happened 30 seconds later, all that data would have been saved and exported to your spare drive, or 5 minutes later and the whole lot would have been burnt to DVD. But no, just like that pimple that erupted seconds before you were due to leave for your first hot date, the world caved in suddenly, unexpectedly, in total digital disharmony.

You look skyward and ask the almighty, Why?

He tells you why - because you are lucky, lucky that the whole damn computer didn't explode like a Dell on a UPS jumbo. The hard drive stalled the potential self destruct process. The hard drive, possessed, enabled you to live another day, a day you could dedicate to buying another hard drive, a hard drive that wouldn't let you down, till the next time.

You give thanks for not dying at the hands of your possessed PC and get on with your life. The Omen ends.

A chilling number of quotes is over at Funny Quotes of the Day, from you guessed it, me.

Women are only fit for carrying out menial tasks such as washing and cooking, as well as the odd vigourous bout of intercourse. (Lord Likely)

It should come as no surprise that an English aristocrat would come out with something so sexist, demeaning and spot on accurate. Just read some of the quotes attributed to one of his kind, the Duke of Edinburgh.

From my research into the origins of people like Lord Likely, the good old days were only good for the ladies who went a-leaping with their good lords. It was hard to pull themselves away from tapestry-making and meals of quails egg poached in champagne, baked in a pie with four and twenty blackbirds. They didn't give a thought to the rest of women in society who kept the hob nobs in luxury and the empires growing, by living a menial existence. 

On a positive note, times have changed. The idea of empire has dropped off the map, lords are feeling the credit crunch just like the rest of us, and hundreds of millions of modern day ladies are quite prepared to meet the criteria of the Lord Likely quote, thus cementing the fabric of society together, and preventing much of independent Africa, Asia (and my house) from grinding to a halt.

There aren't too many sexist jokes over at this funny quotes site

Are you familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog

I am reminded of that pitiful time when the big bad bounty hunter, Dog, was crying like a baby trying to convince the world that he had no issues with niggers, I mean, "those sort of people". They were his kind, his blood, his tribe, his bros, sob, sob.

What Dog was really trying to say so ineloquently was that he was not racially prejudice in a bad way, just that he spoke about certain ethnic groups in the same way as those ethnic groups talk about each other. Simple mistake - not to be Chris Rock and therefore not be able to convey such an honest sentiment on national TV.

If you want to look like Dog, without the risk of making a total idiot of yourself at a fancy dress party, check out the Moons costumes people.

Funny quote of the day is by far the most popular section of my first site at The Pisstakers dot com. The huge list of quotes appeared on the first page of Google search results, alongside guys like Brainy Quotes.

Over the coming life of this blog, funny quotes will again be the order of the day, as I reintroduce those lost gems, but rather than be like everyone else and just post a quote, I will add a short anecdote too, Some meat and potatoes, not just gravy! To kick things off, my favorite is:

How can I soar like an eagle when I mix with turkeys.

Have you ever heard that funny line before? If so, what was the circumstance. Leave a comment if you care, and be a part of this one stop shop for funny quote.